Ups, Downs and In-betweens

                                                              What A Month 

October has been...well, how can I say it?  A mixture of everything.  The good?  Rex celebrated his 12th birthday.  People donated in his honor and we raised much needed funds as well as enjoyed his birthday celebration and seeing him wolf down a giant hamburger patty "cake".  Our online fundraising auction was also a great success, and our volunteer @anxietycucumbr did a great job running all the donations and listings, communicating with donors and navigating the fulfillment process, which we are in the process of completing.  These online auctions are quite a bit of work, and with everything else going on, it was so wonderful to have someone step up, volunteer and do the heavy lifting on this one.   I am very grateful to her for her time and effort.  On a personal level, we celebrated the wedding of my son Dan to his husband (and my very good friend and business partner) Stephen.  Happy tears and pride, they are both amazing young men with a bright future and lots of love.  I couldn't be happier for them.  We also had family visiting from out of town, our daughter and our cousin and it was so good to see them.

Downs?  My dear, sweet kitty Ami left us.  He lived next door to us his whole life and when his Dad became ill, we took care of him.  I formed a close bond with him then, and when my neighbor went into hospice care, I made a promise to him that we would take Ami, love and care for him for the rest of his days, and that he would never want or need anything.  My neighbor found great comfort in that, since he never had children, had little family left and Ami was his baby.  We had just lost our sweet kitty Madison just weeks before and were grieving her loss.  Ami needed us, loved us and comforted us.  He and our cat Willy took some time to come to an agreement about the pecking order in the house, but they eventually settled into a detente and seemed to enjoy each other's company in a quiet, calm way.  Ami seemed to comfort Willy as well, who was feeling a bit lost without Madison. Ami preferred my office and the upstairs realm to anywhere else in the house.  Perhaps because I spend a good amount of my day in the office, working on Rex business and he liked to be with me, but I think he also liked the comfort of a smaller room with his own TV (he did love to watch TV) and a comfy couch.  We had our daily routine of work, cuddle time, TV time, more cuddle time and play.  Even though he was an old boy, he enjoyed his catnip toys so much that he played with them like a kitten.  I knew he was getting old (19) and had some arthritis and mobility issues, but he was a happy, contented cat and so when he suddenly became ill, it was unexpected and crushing.  There were many vet visits, prescription medications, subcutaneous fluids, special foods.  I tried and did everything.  But Ami knew.  He spent the last two weeks of his life letting us know he knew.  He wanted to spend every moment in close proximity.  He was never a lap cat, but he became one.  He cuddled on my lap downstairs on the couch, or cuddled with my husband.  He was showing us how much he loved us.  And the more I tried to make him well, the more he wanted me to know it was okay.  He put up with everything.  But it didn't make a difference.  Everyone who has ever had a pet knows this heartbreak.  On his last day, he could barely lift his head.  He couldn't get to his feet and couldn't stand.  I rushed him over to the ER at Tufts, but I knew it was going to be a one way trip, even though part of me had a tiny bit of hope that maybe there would be a miracle.  It wasn't a rational hope, but an understandable, desperate one.  Coincidentally, as I arrived at the ER, I received a call from the cardiology vet tech Erin, who has been taking care of my mother's cat, Muffin.  She was calling to discuss Muffin's recent lab results.  I told her I was in the waiting room with Ami.  We had just discussed Ami a couple of days before when I had brought Muffin in for her six week follow-up appointment.  Erin told me she would be right out to see me.  She came out into the waiting room, saw Ami and asked me if we had checked in and if anyone had come out to see him yet.  I told her that I had checked in, but was still waiting.  She grabbed his carrier and took him to the back, promising to get him seen immediately.  When she left, another vet tech from cardiology Lindsey, came out to see me.  She asked what was going on with Ami, told me that Muffin's labs and tests were all good and also went back to check on Ami.  This was such a comfort to me, that I can hardly tell you how much it meant.  Both of these women took care of Ami and me.  They didn't have to, that wasn't what they were there for and it wasn't their responsibility.  But they knew me and they knew I was in a bad way.  So they went above and beyond to help me through this process.  Of course they told me what I already knew.  That his kidneys had completely shut down, his organs were failing and there was nothing that could be done to make him well.  We all agreed that the best thing we could do to love and support him was to let him go.  They brought me into a special room, where he was wrapped in soft blankets and it was quiet and comfortable.  They told me they would leave us and let me spend as much time with him as I wanted and that when I pressed a button, they would be back to assist.

I still get quite emotional thinking about this, as I do when I remember having a similar experience with Madison,  It is never easy doing the right thing for your pet.  It's what they need us to do and they feel no pain, only relaxation and your love.  But your heart breaks in that moment.  It may sound silly, but every night before going to bed, I would give Ami his nightly cuddle time and sing "Soft Kitty" to him.  He loved it.  I think because he liked having a Mom.  He had only had a Dad his whole life and loved him dearly, but he seemed to very much enjoy a female presence.  So in his final moments, I sang "Soft Kitty" to him and kissed his head, like I had done so many times.  This time, his head was wet from my tears.  He managed to lift his head and look at me one last time, crossed his paws as he was so fond of doing, and put his head down once more.  I told him I loved him, over and over.  And then I pressed that button.  Erin came in, comforted me, and gave him the medicines that would cause his forever sleep.

I know he accepted all of this and he wanted me to.  I did.  But it didn't make it hurt any less.  I am grateful to Erin and Lindsey for their compassion and caring.  They made something so hard a bit easier.  My office is not the same and it's hard to sit in here and work without feeling the acute loss of his presence.  I have his picture on my desk and it both comforts and hurts.  Willy has been feeling lost as well.  He has started spending some time in here with me, sleeping on the couch.  We are both navigating this together.  Rex also looks for Ami every morning and is not sure why he isn't here, as he liked to give him a shnuffle every morning, which he patiently tolerated.  We received his ashes today. We will keep some in an urn, which I will keep next to his picture on my desk.  The rest we will bury at my neighbor's grave, with a small marker.  It seems only right to share him.  

We are grateful for all the messages of sympathy and understanding we have received on social media.  It seems that so many people loved Ami and care for Rex and our family, and that is comforting.  Please don't suggest we adopt another cat right away.  Some have and it is troublesome that people think you can just replace one with another and that will solve your grief.  That is not something we are considering at this time.  Ami seemed to seamlessly fit in with our family, because he was such an easy going boy, but also because he had known and trusted me for years,  A new family member would be more stressful to everyone right now than therapeutic.

Now for the in-between.  I'm sure people have noticed that Rex does not go for his daily stick-walks any more, or do a lot of walking at all.  There is a very good reason for that.  He has severe arthritis in all four limbs. Both of his front legs are afflicted with elbow dysplasia and bone overgrowth, his left rear hock (ankle) is four times its natural size due to severe arthritis, osteophytes, and bone overgrowth which has caused a permanent dislocation of the ankle.  His right ankle is partially dislocated as well, but far better than the left.  We had him examined by a veterinary orthopedic specialist yesterday at Tufts, knowing that there were no miracle cures, but hoping for better management of his discomfort and some help with mobility.  We were told that the only way to fix the ankle would be to do fusion surgery, which is not only incredibly expensive (something we would gladly pay for if it meant it would make him fully mobile again), but the surgery and recovery would be far too difficult, painful and most likely short-lived, as well as risky given his age and general health.  We opted not to do that surgery.  There are more reasons not to do it than there are to consider it.  So, he is going to have more testing done to assess his overall health, a cytology of the fluid in his ankle to see if there can be a more targeted approach to pain management and anti-inflammatories and we started him on a new pain management drug. We are also discussing some braces and other orthopedic appliances that might be helpful.  We have done and will continue to do everything we can to give him his best life, based on his own unique needs and issues.   He is getting the best possible care from the best possible people.  He is still our baby and we will always do whatever we can to make his life as amazing as possible.  His quality of life is still very good.  He gets around slowly, but is still able to get around as he needs to, he greatly enjoys his sun bathing in the yard, his TV, his evening ice cream treats and we have adapted to taking him for very short walks with a ride back home in his stroller.  He seems to like the stroller immensely and because it has a trailering capability, we have been taking him on regular bike rides around his favorite neighborhood spots.  He's our little character, loves cuddles and is happy to be around his loved ones.  We never know how much time any of us have left, and everything is a day by day, but we are determined to make every day he has a good one.  I felt that people should know the facts about what is going on with Rex, and although it's not the best news, it's still okay.  I know he has so many people who love and care about him and you deserve to know what he's going through.  

Thank you for letting me work through all of this.  I know some of it is very sad, but life is very sad sometimes.  I'm trying to be mindful of the goodness and happiness that we still have and are fortunate to be able to hold on to.